What happens to women?

My friend Juli and I were watching a re-run of What Not to Wear, the TLC makeover show that turns frumpy females into double-take damsels.  The episode we were watching was a makeover of childhood star Mayim Bialik, star of Blossom.  Mayim's closet was crying for a new wardrobe as her bag-lady outfits did not flatter her size 2 figure.  Besides the superficiality/reality that is the basis of the show, I found a great interest in where Mayim headed once she finished filming.  She went to school at UCLA, even though she was accepted to both Harvard and Yale, and earned a PhD. in neuroscience.  She is one of the few child stars to come out with such a high degree and she was quirky, charming, and beautifully articulate.

Despite all of this, the producers of the show only stressed that after filming Blossom, Mayim became a wife and mother.  Seriously? Those two things come before the fact that that she earned a PhD. in neuroscience?  Her PhD. isn't even worth mentioning?  The sad thing is that this is not unique to Mayim.  Women are less respected for what comes out of their brain than for what comes out of their vagina.

By the end of 2009 it is expected that women will make up 50% of the nation's workforce (whether their pay is equal to men in the same position is very much debatable) due to the fact that the recession has hit men harder.  According to a Special Report by Time magazine entitled "The State of the American Woman", published the week of October 26th, women have made significant progress in higher education.  Today, 57% of undergraduate college students are women, 62% of master's students are women, and 50% of doctoral candidates, law students and medical students are women.  The numbers are staggering. Even more staggering though are the professional numbers.  Although 50% of medical and law school students are women, women make up only 32% of practicing lawyers and 28% of practicing doctors.  So the question: What happens to women?


My coworkers (almost all women, married with children) were discussing how much more "popular" their kids are than they.  Specifically, how other parents know their kids' names and refer to them as "[name]'s Mom."  I guess this happens to dad's too but it's a little different for them.  Men can always be referred to as "Mr." while women go through "Miss," "Ms." and maybe "Mrs." if they chose.  Since there are so many more single mothers today than in previous years, you can't just assume "Mrs." is the title you should be using to refer to a child's mom, so the default is "[name]'s mom".

It can be argued that raising a child is the most important job in the world and the most rewarding.  Sometimes I think that there would be nothing better in the world than to spend every waking moment with my child (speaking in the future, of course), to teach her/him practical knowledge and values and making sure s/he grows up to be a respectable person.  But, with my educational background I can't imagine myself actually ever feeling fulfilled by that.  Especially when that child is bound to slam doors at me and barely speak to me from the age of 12 onward.

Many women go through this dilemma with their first child.  But, for most, sending your child to daycare is simply not an option: very few centers are available and almost no corporation hosts a daycare center.  The thought of coming home and having your child less excited to see you than the nanny is just heartbreaking.  As a result, women take an extended pregnancy leave, maybe have a second child or more, and then don't go back to work.  Or, even worse, when they seek a job they find that they have been gone for so long that their skills are outdated and they have to start at an entry-level position or go back to school before they can even get that entry-level position they could've easily landed 15 years ago.

The problem is women, as ambitious as we may be, do not seek the limelight.  We are more concerned with being a catalyst for what needs to be done to move forward.  This is also the best quality that women have.  We want to succeed, but we want to take others with us.  When there isn't room for the others, we prefer to stay behind and take care of them.  When that happens, we surrender our identity and become an object of someone's possession (e.g. [name]'s wife or [name]'s mom).

I hope that whether or not I have children, I will always be known by my name, not as [so-and-so]'s mother or [so-and-so]'s wife.  One way to do this, obviously, is to not introduce myself that way.  For example, if I am married I will not say "I'm [name]'s wife," but "I'm Shalini.  I married [name]".  If I have kids, I will say "I'm Shalini, [name] is my child."  It's important to take ownership in this case to maintain your identity.  Furthermore, stating first what you do with your life, rather than whom you are responsible for, can help.  Place yourself on the highest importance and let other things follow.

It is assumed that a man is the head of the household and earns the household income.  It is assumed that if a married woman has a job it is because her husband doesn't make enough money.  It is assumed that a single woman has a job because she has not been able to find a man to support her financially.  It is not assumed that a woman has a job because she finds it more fulfilling than cooking, cleaning, tending to a man's needs and giving birth.  It is time that we change these stereotypes.  It is time that we change what happens to women.

The Effect of Social Networking Sites on Relationships

We've all heard or said the phrase, "It's not official until it's on Facebook." What we mean by that is, I guess, "It's not official until everyone has access to knowing that it happened." And by "everyone" of course we mean our real friends and our fake friends, people who we met during a blackout night at a bar, creepy stalkers, people who we'd love to keep in touch with but don't because Facebook makes it too easy and we are too lazy to call. But, how have sites like Facebook affected relationships?

My cousin was dating a girl for about two years. They were in an "official" relationship because it was on Facebook. However, after one and a half years my cousin decided he no longer wanted to have it published on the site, so he kept his relationship status as blank. Of course, this made his girlfriend threatened so she responded by having a picture of the two of them as her default. Clearly, this was a warning sign. My friend Melissa best described it saying, "That's like taking your wedding ring off when you go out to a bar!" If my cousin no longer wanted to share his relationship status with the world, he no longer wanted to be in that relationship, right? He must have been looking for something else, or wanted someone else to find him. Six months later, they were done. In the olden days (aka the '90s), my cousin probably would have broken up with his girlfriend after the one and a half-year mark. In respect to relationships, Facebook seems to create this extra sense of responsibility to advertise what you "really" want to those you don't really know, and to hide what you actually want from those that you are closest to. For example, if you breakup with someone and you decide that you want to publish your "single" status on Facebook, there's a good chance you're saying, "I'm free and want to make out with you!" to those you don't know too well and are trying to hide the fact: "I have this up because I want you to be as miserable as I am. All I really want is you." to the person you just broke up with.

There are also times where people limit their profiles to others so as to prevent them from seeing what they're doing. Sometimes these are for professional reasons, other times it's to considerately hide from someone how much of a d-bag you really are. For instance, say you haven't really broken up with someone yet but have already found yourself in a relationship with another person. What do you do? If you're a d-bag: Put your first relationship-person on a limited profile so they can't see, of course! Don't be honest with them, that's too difficult and will probably result in confrontation. This dishonesty and "creeping around" isn't a new problem in relationships. In the olden days that I referred to before, a girl's friends might see her boyfriend out for a milkshake at the Max with another girl. The friends would tell the girl, and she would ask her boyfriend if it was true. Depending on how much of a d-bag he was, he would either tell her the truth, or make her distrust her friends. Fortunately ladies, our friendships are not in jeopardy anymore because there will always be pictures and wall posts to prove it.

The aforementioned pictures and wall posts need to carefully be handled when you're in a relationship. Although they can symbolize how close you are with someone nowadays, they can also be extremely offensive to others and be the street equivalent of fucking on the subway. It's unnecessary to write "I love you baby" everyday, or even once a month. Nor do you need to post pictures of you and your significant other making out. In fact, it shows how insecure you are, like when you're constantly holding hands in public so that everyone knows s/he's your property and trespassing is prohibited. I guess when there are so many people your significant other can be connected to, you may feel the need to rape their wall to mark your territory. But, like rape, guerilla wall posts are nonconsensual and may end up ruining your relationship.

So, like it has for most things, Facebook has created advantages and disadvantages in relationships. Now, you have access to tangible evidence that your spouse may be cheating. But on the flip side, relationships may be becoming more superficial. Your significant other may be sending you a hidden message when s/he "prefers" not to have your relationship published. Or, when you can no longer see their birthday and everyone else can, s/he is probably hiding other "basic info" from you. Perhaps this means a longer life span of the "official" relationship, but a shorter life span of the "honest" part of the relationship. Perhaps this means an increase in insecurity on one's part because your significant other is connected to hundreds of sluts who would give it up in an instant. Whatever the case, Facebook relationships have made it more important now than ever to read between the lines. The times have changed, but the advice hasn't: be careful.

The Thoughts Behind

I've given in. After months of reading the poetic prose of my fabulous friend Kaitlyn, learning about the architectural challenges facing New York city juxtaposed with the best cupcake recipes from sexy Sarah, and generally keeping up with my friends from far away who have blogs so that I can better know what's going on in their lives, I've decided that I could start one too. Although it took me quite awhile to get used to the idea of everyday people publishing text, it seems to be just another entrance ramp onto the information highway of our world.

The great thing about having a blog is there are no rules - no censorship. If I were writing a column for a newspaper or something, I would have to clear it with an editor and make sure it wasn't offensive. Not that I'm articulate or eloquent enough to write for a newspaper, but I'm definitely capable of being offensive. So that's why I'm here: to be offensive, to be honest, to ramble and rant, and maybe, to entertain.

I couldn't really think of a common theme for this blog. I didn't know whether I wanted it to be centered around food or news or sex or health or music, so I chose them all. I've titled this "Pieces," because that's all you will be getting. I'm not an expert in anything - far from it. So, I can never give you the whole cake, just Pieces. I think that's okay, because eating an entire cake will make you sick.

So, like I said: no rules. This also refers to grammar. Forgive me if I do not know whether to use a semicolon or a dash or if I even use them at the same time. Forgive me for my fragments and run-on sentences. I don't know any better; my parents are immigrants.

Welcome to the stream of my conscious. I hope you like it more than I do.

Love,

Shals