What happens to women?

My friend Juli and I were watching a re-run of What Not to Wear, the TLC makeover show that turns frumpy females into double-take damsels.  The episode we were watching was a makeover of childhood star Mayim Bialik, star of Blossom.  Mayim's closet was crying for a new wardrobe as her bag-lady outfits did not flatter her size 2 figure.  Besides the superficiality/reality that is the basis of the show, I found a great interest in where Mayim headed once she finished filming.  She went to school at UCLA, even though she was accepted to both Harvard and Yale, and earned a PhD. in neuroscience.  She is one of the few child stars to come out with such a high degree and she was quirky, charming, and beautifully articulate.

Despite all of this, the producers of the show only stressed that after filming Blossom, Mayim became a wife and mother.  Seriously? Those two things come before the fact that that she earned a PhD. in neuroscience?  Her PhD. isn't even worth mentioning?  The sad thing is that this is not unique to Mayim.  Women are less respected for what comes out of their brain than for what comes out of their vagina.

By the end of 2009 it is expected that women will make up 50% of the nation's workforce (whether their pay is equal to men in the same position is very much debatable) due to the fact that the recession has hit men harder.  According to a Special Report by Time magazine entitled "The State of the American Woman", published the week of October 26th, women have made significant progress in higher education.  Today, 57% of undergraduate college students are women, 62% of master's students are women, and 50% of doctoral candidates, law students and medical students are women.  The numbers are staggering. Even more staggering though are the professional numbers.  Although 50% of medical and law school students are women, women make up only 32% of practicing lawyers and 28% of practicing doctors.  So the question: What happens to women?


My coworkers (almost all women, married with children) were discussing how much more "popular" their kids are than they.  Specifically, how other parents know their kids' names and refer to them as "[name]'s Mom."  I guess this happens to dad's too but it's a little different for them.  Men can always be referred to as "Mr." while women go through "Miss," "Ms." and maybe "Mrs." if they chose.  Since there are so many more single mothers today than in previous years, you can't just assume "Mrs." is the title you should be using to refer to a child's mom, so the default is "[name]'s mom".

It can be argued that raising a child is the most important job in the world and the most rewarding.  Sometimes I think that there would be nothing better in the world than to spend every waking moment with my child (speaking in the future, of course), to teach her/him practical knowledge and values and making sure s/he grows up to be a respectable person.  But, with my educational background I can't imagine myself actually ever feeling fulfilled by that.  Especially when that child is bound to slam doors at me and barely speak to me from the age of 12 onward.

Many women go through this dilemma with their first child.  But, for most, sending your child to daycare is simply not an option: very few centers are available and almost no corporation hosts a daycare center.  The thought of coming home and having your child less excited to see you than the nanny is just heartbreaking.  As a result, women take an extended pregnancy leave, maybe have a second child or more, and then don't go back to work.  Or, even worse, when they seek a job they find that they have been gone for so long that their skills are outdated and they have to start at an entry-level position or go back to school before they can even get that entry-level position they could've easily landed 15 years ago.

The problem is women, as ambitious as we may be, do not seek the limelight.  We are more concerned with being a catalyst for what needs to be done to move forward.  This is also the best quality that women have.  We want to succeed, but we want to take others with us.  When there isn't room for the others, we prefer to stay behind and take care of them.  When that happens, we surrender our identity and become an object of someone's possession (e.g. [name]'s wife or [name]'s mom).

I hope that whether or not I have children, I will always be known by my name, not as [so-and-so]'s mother or [so-and-so]'s wife.  One way to do this, obviously, is to not introduce myself that way.  For example, if I am married I will not say "I'm [name]'s wife," but "I'm Shalini.  I married [name]".  If I have kids, I will say "I'm Shalini, [name] is my child."  It's important to take ownership in this case to maintain your identity.  Furthermore, stating first what you do with your life, rather than whom you are responsible for, can help.  Place yourself on the highest importance and let other things follow.

It is assumed that a man is the head of the household and earns the household income.  It is assumed that if a married woman has a job it is because her husband doesn't make enough money.  It is assumed that a single woman has a job because she has not been able to find a man to support her financially.  It is not assumed that a woman has a job because she finds it more fulfilling than cooking, cleaning, tending to a man's needs and giving birth.  It is time that we change these stereotypes.  It is time that we change what happens to women.